It Pays For Single Christians To Date Other Like-Minded People

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's greatest challenges.

Afterall, forever is a long time. You want to make the right decision.

Dating itself can be really trying. It can be hard to find the right people. What if they don't share the same values and beliefs that you do? How do you handle that and when?

Wouldn't it be easier to know ahead of time that they are Christian, just like you?

Wouldn't it be easier to know their respect for God and other people, values and beliefs, mirrors your own?

I know my own dating experiences were trying at best. My stomach used to churn before hand. I'd be so excited to meet new people, only to cringe as that feeling was replaced with absolute, crushing hopelessness as the person demonstrated a trait I knew I just wouldn't be able to tolerate.

If they said something snide about children and my being a parent, I knew it was over. If they weren't pet people, it was going nowhere.

If they were vulgar, ignorant, not funny or if God didn't have a place in their life like mine, what could we possibly have in common?

A few incidents come to my mind. The dental hygienist who chain-smoked. The girl who didn't shave her legs, her armpits and didn't wear deodorant (it took a few dates to begin to figure this one out).

I remember one Friday night where I thought I had met someone with real potential. She was highly educated, respectful and thoughtful. Several dates later, she showed up at my house with an open bottle of wine, already drunk. And then she stormed off when I mentioned concern that she had been drinking and driving.

So how do you find the right people? How do you at least give a first date a chance, by taking the time to get to know people coming from a similar place as you?

The workplace can be a popular source, if there are lots of employees and some that believe in God as you do.

But what if you work too much and don't have time to meet people? Or, what if meeting people is quite a scary experience, and you'd like to find a "like minded group of people", that you can get to know via email first before actually meeting?

The answer, more and more, is the Internet. Never before has the world's millions of singles, been able to find sources of other singles who are just like they are.

The best part is these specific sources of singles can be pre-determined ahead of time. For instance, you'll know you're talking to someone who is Christian, because you found their ad on a Christian singles site.

Make sense? Much easier than trying to make these discoveries of values and beliefs over coffee or dinner.

You can further refine your search by specific age ranges, kids or not, divorced or not, white, black, location, income level, career path, Yankees fan or not (very important!), etc.

I finally found my Soul Mate through a personals ad on a website. We lived in different communities but on the same island (20 miles apart). More importantly, our hearts, beliefs, values, sense of humor and general outlooks were very similar. And we knew that before ever meeting.

It was wonderful courtship. We married the next year. And to this day, many years later, we laugh that the first date never ended.

You too can have this experience, when you find a source of like-minded people to start to get to know.

Want a Relationship that Works? Be More Selfish

When we're young, we're taught to play nice and share. Selfishness is a vice, and consideration a virtue. We carry those beliefs with us into adulthood where they work well in everyday life. But, the situation is different when you're dating. Dating is all about finding someone who meets your requirements for a mate. It's not about molding yourself to fit your partner's requirements. So, the best way to have long term success in your relationship? Be more selfish when dating.

Most men and women aren't nearly selfish enough when they are dating. That may sound backward to you because you try to be on your best behavior during a date. You try to make a good impression. You try to be considerate and selfless because you want the other person to like you. While this selflessness makes you a great date, it doesn't get you what you want. It doesn't get you a life partner who meets your definition of a good mate. Years later, you're unhappy. You really didn't choose a mate; you were chosen.

It's all about him

You make a big mistake when you set aside your feelings and cater totally to the other person desires so that he or she will like you. That's bad for two reasons.

First, it's not fair to your date. He never gets to know you: your tastes, your preferences, and your personality. So how could he know if the two of you are really compatible? Express yourself. Let him know your preferences and your quirks. Give him the chance to bail if you don't fit his ideal for a partner. Don't show him just your good side in order to have a relationship. Br open, and be real. If he's the man for you, he'll accept you and will want to please you. If he's not the man for you, better to find out now instead of after the wedding when you have a big mortgage and small kids.

It's all about you You're also being unfair to yourself. By suppressing your desires and preferences, you are letting your partner set the terms of the relationship. That doesn't work long term. In fact, a major cause of divorces is because one or both spouses "settled" for the other in order to have a relationship and get married.

Don't settle. Be selfish. This is your relationship, too. You have the right to choose anyone and reject anyone for any reason. You don't owe your dates anything except courtesy and kindness. You will owe your spouse a lifetime of love and commitment. The more selfish you are during the dating process-the choosier you are when selecting a life partner-the easier it will be to love and to cherish.

Selfish in dating, but selfless in love

If you're dating the right person, he or she will love you just as you are. There are plenty of prospects who will meet your requirements and needs. Prospects who fit your ideal of a life partner. But, you'll never find them if you settle for something less than you want. Be up front from the beginning. Express yourself freely and openly. It's not phony, it's not pretentious: it's you being you. You can still be charming and polite. But, be prepared for a lot of dates to walk away. The fact that you weren't right for them means that they weren't right for you. Right? Openness and honesty in dating will also carry forward into openness and honesty in marriage. Knowing that you are right for each other before the wedding is the secret to a lifetime of wedded bliss as a couple.

The Power of Expectation

A great majority of people would say "wish they had" instead of expecting that they will have. This is mainly because we are not taught to be forward-looking. Thus, we do not become future-oriented. We have problems in relationship and we tend to look at our environment, at what we have and with what resources we have at present.

We also have the tendency to get stuck in the past. And worse, many live in the past with past regards. Their common phrase is "I wish I had

Relationship Advice: The Right to Be Right

Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is a choice:

You can be right or you can be happy — not both.

You need to choose wisely.

Some people operate in relationships under the illusion that the are incapable of error and that their partner is always the one that is wrong. This sets you up to see your partner as the enemy. Nothing much good can happen once you begin to see your partner as the enemy.

Some people have raised the desire to be right into an art form. They argue their point relentlessly, sometimes even saying things they do not even believe just to be right.

The trouble is, you can fight to be right, and win, but you do so at the expense of the relationship.

A wise friend of mine had this to say after his first year of marriage: "It took me a while, but I finally figured out that the sun will come up tomorrow if we do it her way."

Another wise older gentleman called in to a radio show I was on to say that he had learned that what was good for his wife was good for him.

Would that that kind of wisdom would spread.

Ten First Date Ideas

Comedy Theater

Laughing together can break the ice better than anything else. Take in a comedy show and relax together whilst you giggle away the evening. Just avoid too much alcohol or offensive performers.

Billiards

If you're looking for a casual way to relate to each other and break the ice, try a friendly game of pool. Eight Ball is simple to understand, and if things really go well, you might be able to help her improve her break.

Miniature Golf

So eighteen holes would be a bit much for almost any date, but ten holes of putt-putt might be right up your alley. Nobody does exceptionally well at miniature golf, but it is always fun to play

The Dating Cheat Sheet

Getting back in the dating scene should be a gradual one and should be on your own terms. Don't stress about finding someone to intermingle with of interest and not knowing where to look. It's time to take the blinders off . Gabby Love at http://www.gabbylove.com offers key tips that will guide you in exploring a new arena of life.

Bus Stops / Rail: Hey don't laugh and don't judge. With the gas crunch being the way it is there are all types of people taking public transportation. It's relatively safe and if you are brave enough to look around you may see a real "diamond".

Grocery Store: People have to eat. Now this is the perfect place to meet great potentials. Icebreaker Tip…Ask for help or advice about anything and you will be surprised at how quick a conversation strike up especially if you spy a cutie standing in a long line…go for it !

Airplanes: Hey the gods could really be with you if you are seated next to a great potential interest for a long trip. Both of you are going to the same destination with on the spot customer service from the flight attendant. Take advantage and talk…you just may be surprised.

Laundromats: Believe it or not this is a definite favorite of mine since being dressed up is not at all needed. People are relaxed and there is a little time to chat while waiting.

The above are safe and effective ways to intermingle with others without having to feel pressured. Just open your eyes, look around,and smile.

Are You My Soul Mate?

I'm always dumbfounded when someone walks up to me and declares that they either have not found their soul mate or says, "There are no soul mates out there for me."

Obviously, they don't know how to look for the signs or how to read them once they do find them. There are millions, maybe even trillions, of people in the world who have soul mates, and there are clues within these soul mate relationships which could help you find yours. I am going to explain these clues so that you will find your soul mate(s), too.

Sign #1: Spiritual intuition

You see a nice looking fellow standing in line at the grocery store who has such spark and charisma and you wonder what it is about him that catches your attention. Is it his appearance? His charm? His funny way of cocking his head while conversing with the cashier?

You want to learn more about him. You have this pull towards him, yet you do nothing. You leaf through a magazine, appearing to be invisible, yet you yearn to walk right up to the stranger and introduce yourself. By the time you have found the nerve, he has checked out and is on his way to his car (and out of your life!).

What was that, you wonder?

That was one of your soul mates that you just let get away.

How do I know that?

Spiritual intuition is the number one sign to look for when confronting a possible soul mate. It is your innerself bonding with the spiritual insides of another. The bond is invisible, yet it lies deep within you and cannot be mistaken. It is that strong pull you feel towards another. Unfortunately, if you don't take action when this happens, you will let your possible soul mate get away and you will have destroyed what could have been a long, happy relationship.

Clue #2: Positive karma

Janice works long hours at the newspaper office after the breakup of her long eighteen-year marriage to Matt, an abusive alcoholic who didn't have anything better to do than knock Janice and their three kids around when he was on his drinking sprees.

To ease the pain, she works constantly, keeping her mind off her past and providing a comfortable living for her and her three children. She has succeeded in getting rid of the negativity in her life and is working on the positive.

Matt, a divorcee, also, can be found working alongside her most days, trying to make deadlines and shielding himself from the memories of his own troubled marriage.

Neither dates, but feels comfortable in maintaining a friendly relationship with one another in the safety of their work environment.

Is this a soul mate union bound to happen?

Both are emitting positive karma towards the other and, yes, a soul mate bond is, most definitely, in the future. This is an example of the karmic soul mate relationship. All signs look good towards it becoming more, but meanwhile what they have is one of the richest relationships you could ask for.

Friends

Relationship Arguments - 7 Ways to Heal Past Hurts

Q: I've read that you are never supposed to bring up the past in a relationship, especially in an argument. But, sometimes it just feels like I have to bring it up with my husband. When is it OK to bring up the past?

A: Speaking in general, which is always risky, you should avoid bringing up the past in the middle of current conflicts. Words such as

"this is just like when you…,"

or

"do you remember what you said in 1977 about…"

do nothing to resolve a conflict or bring couples closer together. As a wife, you also have an almost unfair advantage over your husband in this area.

Again, speaking in general, most wives can recall the details of every argument that has ever occurred, including what was said, what was meant, what you were wearing and where you were standing. Most husbands have trouble remembering what they had for lunch yesterday.

At the same time, I think there are a few exceptions where it is acceptable to bring up the past, and is even necessary in a healthy relationship. I think it is most necessary when something from the past still hurts so much that you can't function well in the relationship in the present; and when things that happened in the past keep happening and are still going on. Let's take a look at these two exceptions and what to do about them.

When the Past Still Hurts

If something from the past still hurts, you need to address it, just not in an argument. During a calm time, you can say something like,

"Can you help me with something I keep having trouble with?"

Most spouses will respond well to that request.

A useful example would be how something hurtful was said and it gets under your skin and stays there. It may be eating you up, but your husband is unaware of the lasting effects. So, once you have his attention, you lay out, in non-accusatory, gentle words, what is still hurting you.

Perhaps a more complete apology is necessary, or even a first apology. Sometimes we simply need to have someone understand just how much something hurt us. Other times, simply speaking it out loud allows it to fade off of our emotional radar.

Once you have had this talk and cleaned up the mess from the past, you can both agree that this is now in the past and has no power over either of you or the relationship.

When the Past is in the Present

This one is a little bit more difficult to handle and resolve.

When something that caused pain in the past continues in the present, you have to ask some difficult questions:

*Does your husband simply not get it?

*Does he not care or is he just plain selfish?

*Is this a personality trait or relationship pattern that is just too stubborn to change on your own?

Sometimes when the pain is not happening to you personally, it can be difficult to see the consequences of certain actions. In this case it can be helpful to calmly walk your husband through the specifics of how certain behaviors cause pain. Once the light comes on for him, you can both agree, commit and even covenant that these events are now things of the past, and you will both do whatever it takes to make sure they do not happen again.

A good example in this case would be how it feels when one person considers the feelings of her own parents over the feelings of her husband. Many times I have found that the wife does not realize the pain caused until it is calmly laid out in detail.

If these suggestions do not work for you and your relationship, then it's time to sit down with a relationship counselor/coach who can get in the middle of it and help lead the way through these conflicts.

How to be Successful at Online Dating

With such a fast-paced world, dating has been set to the next level. But no matter how quick you convert chats and private messaging into real life dates, online relationships can absolutely turn into something steady and serious.

If you are ready to plunge into the world of online dating, here are some tips to make you successful in your feat:

<b>Work on Your Profile</b>

If someone were looking for a date online, whether through chat or MySpace, your profile would be the first thing that he or she would check out. Avoid writing about negative things in your profile

Know Who You Are

While you are dating someone we often lose a sense of our self that we may have initially had. It is highly important that we maintain who and what we are while we date that person. So often our own ideals, morals, and wants can change when we are dating someone. We need to maintain our ideals, morals, and wants throughout the relationship, as doing that will keep us on track with the type of relationship that we want.

When you first date someone in the new bliss of a relationship we often compromise ourselves perhaps in the desire to finally have that one right relationship. While it's ok to make some compromises, other will only serve to haunt us later in the relationship, and later down the road. One example may be drug use, if you are dating someone that may use drugs casually, say only on the weekend, or at a party, and if this was something that you were against, this may not work out for you later. At some time and point, you will have to address this disconnect, whether it means you changing your beliefs or you getting rid of that partner.

Another example might be the way someone treats you. Knowing where your personal boundaries are can help keep you on track. Let's say you are against any type of verbal abuse such as a partner yelling at you. You notice that sometimes in heated discussions, that all couples have your partner yells at you, or may call you names. You know these are things you are against and do not want any part of. You will once again be forced to choose if this behavior is ok, or if you are going to have to part ways with your partner.

Your spiritual life may be an important area for you. If you engage in a dating relationship with someone that does not value a spiritual life, this will come up eventually. As your partner may not understand when you go to religious services or when you may need to spend time practicing your faith. Again, this disconnect will eventually rise to the service.

It is vitally important that you know enough about yourself, your beliefs, and your wants and desires in a relationship. All disconnects will become apparent, and you will have to make adjustments accordingly. It is important that you know what is important to you, and you make these areas known early on to establish your boundaries. This way you and your partner are both clear on what the areas of compromise are.